A Leader's Memory
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: "He was so brave and quiet that none of us ever realized what was happening...our mistake might cost our brother's life." Leo has gone missing. The only thing that might hold any clue to his whereabouts is his journal. But the leather-bound pages raise more questions than answers, and reveal more than his brothers ever knew...such as the fact that Leo is running out of time.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

"Anyone seen Leo lately?"

Riley's voice drew the attention of the other three turtles. Donnie frowned, tapping his pen thoughtfully against his lips. "Not recently," he mused. "Why?"

"Because he said he was going out for a quick run. That was three hours ago."

At her words, all motion in the Lair seemed to stop. Even Mikey turned to face her. His baby-blue eyes were wide. "Dude...he's _never_ late. Ever."

"Something had to have happened to him," Raph said, his hand automatically going to his weapon.

Donnie wasn't so quick to jump to conclusions. "Everyone calm down. I'll do a scan to see if I can locate him using his T-Phone." But the search revealed nothing. Not even the tiniest blip showed up on his GPS program. "This doesn't make sense! He _has_ to be out there _somewhere!"_

"Maybe he just turned his phone off?" Riley suggested.

The genius shook his head. "No. I designed them so that even if they were off, they were traceable. Something is wrong."

The redhead could see that they were all pretty close to freaking out. She cleared her throat. "Why don't you guys head up to the surface and see if you can find him? I'll stay here in case he comes back."

"It's as good a plan as any, at this point," Donnie admitted. "He could be in Shredder's dungeon, for all we know."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Raph demanded. "Let's go find him so I can kill him for scaring us."

Despite the tense situation, Riley almost laughed. Raph was adorable when he worried about someone. But her grin faded as soon as the three turtles were gone and she was alone in the Lair.

 _There's got to be some way to find him,_ she thought. _Some clues. **Something.**_

There was only one place that could possibly hold what she needed. And that was the leader's bedroom.

* * *

At first, Riley wasn't sure what to look for. Everything was so neat and organized. Nothing was out of place. Even the worn, leather-bound journal that sat on the desk was perfectly-

Her green eyes widened. The journal.

Riley fairly flew across the room to the desk, reaching for the old book. She flipped the cover open, not exactly sure what she was going to find.

Dread curled in her gut as she read the first page. Each page after that grew worse and worse. But the last entry, hastily scrawled on the paper a few hours before the leader had gone missing, made her heart crawl into her throat. The room spun around her and she staggered to Leo's bed, sitting down heavily. Suddenly it all made sense. Leo's disappearance. His lack of communication with his family lately. His seclusion in his bedroom. It was all connected to...to _this._

With shaking hands, Riley pulled out her phone and called Donnie. He picked up on the first ring. _"Donatello."_

"Donnie, I-I know where Leo went."

 _"What? Where is he?"_

"He's at the shipping dock. You have to hurry. Please."

 _"Riley, what's going on?"_

"I can't explain right now. Just get to the dock as fast as you can. I'll have the med bay prepped for you when you get back."

 _"The med b- Riley, tell me what you found."_

"I'll tell you everything. I promise. But first, get your brother. If I'm right, he's in real danger."

 **A/N: Hey, guys!**

 **Just to let you know: with the exception of this prologue and the epilogue (and maybe a few chapters in between), the rest of the book will consist of Leonardo's journal entries. That way you can feel what he feels, and see his reasons for doing what he's about to do/what he's done.**

 **Oh, yeah. And it might hit you in the feels. So be prepared.**


	2. Entry 1

**Entry #1**

"How do I start this journal? Let's see...Dear di- No, that's stupid. Um...oh, the shell with it." He took a deep breath and put the pen to the paper, writing in smooth lines.

 _My name is Hamato Leonardo. I'm not exactly your average seventeen-year-old boy. In fact, I'm one of the biggest screw-ups on the planet._

 _How, you ask? Well, before I get to that, there's the obvious problem of my brothers and I not being able to live above ground. We can't lead normal lives. We can't fall in love. We can't do anything except wait for the Shredder to make his next move to try and kill us._

 _Okay, now that I've covered **that,** back to the screw-up thing. _

_Sometimes it feels like my entire purpose in life is to just lead the team. To keep my brothers safe. To make sure they come home. And sometimes I can't even do that much._

 _I can't count the number of times they've gotten hurt on missions because I was too careless or I wasn't watching like I was supposed to be watching. Heck, Raph was freaking turned into a **plant** one time because I was too weak and slow. If he had died...if **any** of them die on my watch, I'll never forgive myself._

 _I have to go - the guys are waiting for me to go on patrol with them. I hope nothing happens tonight._

 _Leonardo_

After signing his name, the blue-banded leader stood up and closed the journal, sliding it into one of his desk drawers. He made his way out of the room, shutting his door behind himself and turning to face his brothers. "Let's go."


	3. Entry 2

**Entry #2**

 _Patrol actually went pretty well last night. If you exclude the way Mikey nearly lost a hand during the Foot attack._ _Fortunately, I noticed the soldier's sword coming down and threw a shuriken at him, taking him out._

 _Mikey didn't see the shuriken hit the Foot soldier. He credited his narrow escape to his "Mikey senses" - and wouldn't stop crowing about it on the entire way home._

 _I'm not denying that I was a little bit frustrated. After all, it seems like no matter how much good I do, nobody ever notices. The only things they seem to see are the mistakes I eventually end up making._

 _I'd never tell that to anyone though. I hate to complain about anything. It feels like...if I did, I would be acting ungrateful. And I'm very much grateful for everything I have._ _Sensei would tell me that "A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves."_

 _So I don't say anything._

 _But every once in a while, I just wish that someone would look at me and say "Good job, Leo." Or "Way to go, big brother." Or even "Thanks, bro."_

 _Sometimes I think they're disappointed in me. Heck, I'd be disappointed in me too. I'm a loser._

 _It hurts that I can't be what everyone wants or what anyone needs. It hurts that I can't be what **I** want or what **I** need because I'm not enough. I won't ever be enough. I won't even ever be **close** to enough._

 _But people can't see me cry because I have to be the strong one. I have to be the one to carry them when they can't, to pick them up if they fall._

 _And you want to know the funniest thing about this?_

 _I'm busy saving everyone else because I can't save myself._


	4. Entry 3

**Entry #3**

 _So, um...I honestly don't...I don't know what to write._

 _It's almost three in the morning at this point. Everyone is in bed right now - I know because I checked on them. I had to drag Donnie out of the lab again tonight but what the heck. I'm used to it._

 _I know I'm supposed to get up for training in two hours but I don't know if I feel like doing it. I'm just so tired. So tired._

 _But at night, no matter how tired I've been all day, I'll stay up late. I'll stay up just late enough that I'm exhausted and I can fall asleep right away. Because I can't stand to lay here in the dark by myself, with my thoughts spinning around in my head and all my failure laid bare in front of me._

 _Donnie's started catching on to exactly how tired I am. I've tried to play it off but...he's a pretty smart turtle. Every time he asks how I'm doing I say "fine." And then he gives me a look. You know. The whole 'Hamato-Leonardo-we've-been-over-this-I-don't-give-a-flip-if-you're-the-leader-as-long-as-I'm-around-you're-going-to-be-healthy-and-you're-going-to-like-it' look._

 _I think I might slip out to the dock and just relax for a little bit. Sit there and listen to the waves hit the pier. Be myself for once, not the leader. Not the responsible one. Just me._

 _It's getting harder and harder to be me lately. There's so much pressure on me to do the right thing, to lead the team, to protect my brothers. Everyone has this expectation of who I should be and...and I might act like I know what I'm doing, but...I don't think I can be who they need me to be._


	5. Entry 4

**Entry #4**

 _I've been spending a lot of time at the dock lately. The guys don't know that I hang out there - and I'm trying to keep it that way. I like sitting there where nobody can see, where nobody cares if I'm doing my job or not. Where - for once - I can just be Leo. Not "Fearless Leader" or "Lameonardo" or the stick-in-the-mud-older-brother. Just Leo, the guy who loves the sounds of the waves, the feel of the breeze on his face, the way the stars come out at night._

 _I know that they forget sometimes that I'm as young as they are. They always look up to me as the wise one, as the one to lead them and give them strength and the person they can come to if they need to complain or cry. But that's okay. I have to grow up fast so they don't have to. I have to stay alert so nothing happens. I have to protect them until my last breath._

 _That's my job._

 _It's my job to take care of them. To watch over them and keep them safe. To make sure they have everything they need to be happy._

 _I used to wonder if Master Splinter had expected too much of me when he gave me the leader's position. If he knew what he was asking of me. But now, all these years later, I'm glad it was me that he picked. Because I couldn't stand to see my brothers where I am now. I'd take this spot at the "head" of the family for the next thousand years if it meant my brothers were safe and happy and well._

 _That's all I'm good at, anyway._

 _I don't have any talents, not really. I can't cook. I can't fix things. I can't do two hundred pushups with one hand behind my back. All I can do is make tough choices, so my brothers don't have to. Take the flak, so they can enjoy themselves. Keep my problems to myself because everything is too much to put on their shoulders._

 _And that should be enough._


	6. Entry 5

**Entry #5**

 _I've been doing a little research lately, trying to figure out why I've been so sad. But I don't think it's sadness. I think...I think it's depression._

 _Saying it out loud makes it scarier than just thinking about it in my head. Depressed? It's a term that I'd use to describe someone else. I never thought I'd be using it to talk about myself. Er...write about myself._

 _But the more I think about it, the more it sounds like it's true. Because depression isn't this airy, impossible-to-see thing that disappears when you're looking for it. Depression is a concrete thing. It's not being able to talk about your problems, while you take on everyone else's just to hide your own or distract yourself from them._

 _That's why I think I'm depressed. I'm so used to taking on everyone else's trouble that I throw myself into fixing it, just so I don't have to think about what's going on in my own life._

 _I know it's not healthy. I know I should talk to someone about it. But I just...I can't. No one can ever find out the way I'm feeling because I have to be the strong one. I have to be the one to carry people when they can't go on._

 _A while back, when we were staying at the farmhouse, April asked me if I was happy. I said yes. Why wouldn't I be? I have friends and a family who loves me. I laugh at jokes. I go out on nightly patrols and have fun with my brothers. My life isn't as bad as it could be. I don't have awful problems._

 _But every night I'm alone, still awake, lying in bed in the dark and thinking about life. I find myself crying silently every single time because I manage to convince myself that nobody likes me for me, that I'm just there for a single purpose and once that's done, well...they won't need me anymore._

 _And then I don't know if I was ever really happy at all._


	7. Entry 6

**Entry #6**

 _I'm so sick of this...I'm sick of never feeling like I'm good enough, or strong enough. I'm sick of waking up every single day and realizing that nothing has changed. And for once, I'd like to look in the mirror and be happy with who I see. Because every single time I look at my own reflection, I see a failure. And I hate myself for it. I'm just...I'm so tired of this. Of everything._

 _I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying where no one can see or hear me. I'm tired of being alone with my thoughts late at night. I'm tired of feeling empty and worthless. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of missing things I used to have, of missing people that should be here right now. I'm tired of remembering all the times I failed, all the missions I screwed up on, and all the people I hurt. I'm tired of wishing I could start all over and make a new life for myself._ _I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay. I'm not. I'm not okay, and it's not fair that I have to act like I am._

 _...You ever get a feeling like you're just waiting? Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, and just let everything out? It's a feeling of relief and desperation, all at the same time. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right, either. You're tired. Tired of everything and nothing._

 _All you want is for someone to tell you that it's okay. But no one is gonna be there for you._

 _And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong._

 _And for once, you just want it to be easy to be helped, to be saved. But you know it won't be._

 _That's how I feel every day. Every single damn day I get up and I look in the mirror and I hate who I see. I hate the coward, the failure, the worthless person staring back at me. I hate the exhaustion and the fear in those blue eyes._

 _I hate myself._

 _And I don't know how to fix any of this._


	8. Entry 7

A/N: Leo is...not in the best place, so this one might be (okay, will _probably_ be) an emotional rollercoaster ride. Fair warning.

 **Entry #7**

 _I know I've been isolating myself lately - trying to work out my problems. But it's not helping. And it feels like no one even notices the fact that my smile isn't real. That I'm always "tired." They never question it._

 _And it hurts._

 _You'd think that after so many damn YEARS of living with people, they'd be able to read you like a book. But I guess that's not the case here._

 _Maybe it's better this way. Maybe if they don't know, it'll be easier when I...Kraang. I can't even write it down. The guys might find this and then where would I be? It would ruin everything - they'd take everything away from me, treat me like I'm some delicate piece of glass. Walk on eggshells around me. I would hate myself for that._

 _And I already hate myself enough._

 _You know, I used to think that I would die in battle. It would be the honorable thing, I suppose. After listening to Sensei talk all those years about honor and how we should always do things for the good of others, I guess it only sounded natural that I would die at the end of a blade or the barrel of a gun. That I'd go down protecting my brothers or someone who couldn't protect themselves. But now..._

 _I think I'll end up taking my own life._

 _There. There it is._

 _It might not be today, or next week, or even next year. But I can feel it. I'm going to end my life on my own terms. Not on Sensei's, or a Purple Dragon's, or Shredder's. On mine. I'll decide how I go. And I don't think...it won't be in a blaze of glory. I have a feeling that I'm going to slip away quietly. Peacefully._

 _It's not the thought of my death that scares me. It's the fact that I don't **feel** anything about it. I'm not regretful, or ashamed, or even...pleased with myself. I'm just kind of...numb. That's the best way I can describe it._

 _But somehow, numb is worse than being sad. Numb is dangerous. You can't tell how much pain you're in if you can't feel anything. You can't tell how close you are to dying._

 _I once read somewhere that the body shuts down when it's been through too much and has too much to bear. That it goes its own way quietly inside of itself, waiting for a better time, and that's what leaves a person numb. Is that why I'm in the place I am? Did I take too much on myself, or was I given too much?_

 _I don't resent Master Splinter for giving me the burden of leadership. I'd much rather he give it to me than to one of the others, so that I had to watch them go to the same dark and terrible place I'm in now. I would rather get tortured by Shredder again than make one of my brothers carry this load._

 _In a way, it was always my responsibility. Take care of my brothers. Keep them safe. That_ _was my job._

 _And I screwed it up._


	9. Entry 8

**Entry #8**

 _Today was not a good day for me._

 _I've done so much for my family, so much for my **brothers,** and what do I get in return? Scowls, angry tones, rolled eyes...you get the gist. _

_"I don't take orders from you."_

 _"You're not the boss of me."_

 _"I don't have to tell **you** anything."_

 _I've heard it all. Honestly, would it be too much for one single goddamn **"thank you"** from time to time?! I work my shell off for this family and I never get anything in return. Not so much as a smile anymore._

 _I'm so frustrated I want to scream. I want to lash out. I want to explode. And honestly, at this point, I don't care who takes the brunt of the explosion._

 _Isn't that a sad thing, when you just don't care anymore? When you've tried your best all this time and because nobody gives a crap you just...stop? Stop caring, stop trying to help. Stop trying to make it better or easier for people._

 _After all, they never do it for you._

 _Sensei told me once that it's not my job to get thanked for doing well or making it easy. I'm basically just there to do the grunt work and then I've got to suck it up and deal with whatever crap they throw at me._

 _Well excuse me if I'm not strong enough to handle that anymore._

 _Everyone's got a breaking point. And I think I've finally reached mine. I'm just done. With everything._

 _I cried about it. I tried to fight it. I really did. But everything is crashing down. My world is crumbling around me. No one even freaking **notices,** either, but what should they care, right? I'm just here for the good stuff or when they need something. Any other time I'm on my own. _

_My demons are screaming at me, trying to destroy what little hope remains in my soul._

 _And this time...I don't think I'm going to fight back._


	10. Entry 9

A/N: It won't be long now, guys...

 **Entry #9**

 _Mikey stopped and confronted me today. He told me that he noticed I seemed kind of sad lately. I just brushed it off, hoping that he'd let it go. And he did. Everyone buys into that lie, that "I'm fine. Just tired." They accept it, like it explains everything. It covers everything._

 _Just once, I wish someone would notice - really truly notice - that I'm **not** fine. That I'm **not** "just tired." That I'm carrying a burden that's slowly killing me._

 _You want to know what the scariest part is about all of this? The scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that fills me despite the pain of being so empty. No._

 _The scariest part is the realization that I've lost myself completely. It's that thought that sinks in as I lay awake at two in the morning because somehow, along the way, I've lost the ability to sleep and I can't even cry about it because I just don't care anymore._

 _I realized today that I've stopped living. I'm not enjoying anything anymore. I wake up in the morning and the only thing on my mind is when I'll be able to crawl back into bed at night. And that's not living._

 _It's getting closer now. Closer until I leave. I can feel it._

 _The guys don't know. Nobody knows. I've managed to keep it a secret for this long, and hopefully I can hold on for a little while longer._

 _Maybe once I'm gone, everyone will be happy again. They won't have to worry about me slowing them down, or holding them back from having fun. They won't have to worry about the stick-in-the-mud brother anymore._

 _All I ever wanted was to make them happy...I tried to make my family happy. I tried to make my friends happy. I tried to make everyone happy - everyone but myself. That was the way I gave myself pleasure, was making sure they all had everything they needed. But now...I can't make myself happy anymore even if I try to. And nobody even notices it because I'm too good at hiding my pain._

 _I'm just tired of everything...I can't fight this any longer._

 _And maybe that makes me a coward, but I really don't care anymore._


	11. Entry 10

A/N: I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry that I've put you through this emotional ringer, but...this story wanted to be written. I feel like every incarnation of Leo has had a sad spot to him - he always blamed himself for something that was completely beyond his control. Except maybe the '87 Leonardo...he was just a goofball.

Anyway...this story is drawing to a close now. It had always been in my mind to do ten journal entries. I thought that anything longer than that was just too much. (And really, how long can you run with a storyline like this? We all know how it ends.) I might do a sequel for it that tells his family/friends' reactions to his attempted suicide...I haven't decided yet. Let me know if you'd like a sequel. Or maybe a parallel book with a different turtle.

Without further ado, I give you one of the last chapters in "The Leader's Memory."

(This entry is a direct note to his family. I know you guys are smart...you probably know exactly what this note is going to say.)

 **Entry #10**

 _By the time you read this, I'll be long gone. I wanted a place that was empty, and a way that was relatively quick and painless. I know that after everything I've done I probably don't deserve either. But I simply don't care anymore._

 _This is the third time I've written this note. I couldn't leave the other two copies the way they were...too much was left unsaid. Unexplained. And I can't do that to you guys._

 _I know what you're thinking. If I can't leave it unexplained, then why the hell am I doing this in the first place? Why am I going through with this? Well, the truth is painful. It's painful, and cold...and simple._

 _I can't fight this battle anymore._

 _I've been slipping backwards for a long time. I tried so hard to get better, to get over this, to forget it all and move on. And I thought I was getting to the point where I could say "wow, I'm feeling better." But right now...I couldn't feel worse. I've suffered for many years, never telling you guys. I didn't want you to worry about me. (And look where it's gotten me, right?)_

 _It's not your fault. None of it is. The choice to stay isolated was mine...the things I was going through were too hard for you guys to bear. I didn't want my sick, twisted mind ruining your small moments of happiness in this messed-up world. So I stayed silent. And my silence slowly killed me inside._

 _Now, I was taught from a young age how to be stone-cold and self-reliant. As a leader, those are the qualities I needed to possess. I learned early on to cry without sound behind closed doors. I learned how to take the hurt and the pain that came along with my missions, without complaining. Without even flinching. I learned how to break down without anyone knowing, and I learned never to ask for help._

 _Because here's the thing. When no one sees you suffering, do you really suffer? I could always pretend that whatever pained me never really happened. I could always go back and face the world, pretending that everything was okay._

 _Sensei...Dad...don't blame yourself for that. You taught me the skills I needed to survive. They got me this far, after all. They got me through the Invasion. Through the horrors of Upstate New York. Through coming back home to a warzone. I survived, and my brothers survived. And that was worth everything I went through. Arigato, Sensei. Thank you. For everything._

 _Raphael, my hotheaded, overemotional twin brother...we may not have gotten along all the time, but I never loved you any less for it. You were the one who kept me on my toes. You kept me responsible. You made me face facts that I didn't really want to see. You held me accountable, to myself and to others. So thank you for that. I never told you this, but I really enjoyed it when we argued. I know. It sounds screwed up, doesn't it? But I did. I wanted to laugh every time because you got so riled up...I don't know when exactly we stopped being close-_ _Okay, that's a lie. I know exactly when it was. It was the day I was chosen to be leader._

 _I never wanted that to come between us, Raphael. Never. I still wanted to be your friend. But you closed yourself off from me. And I let you. And for that, I'm sorry. I should've gone after you, should've worked things out when I had the chance. But now...now all I'll get to do is apologize on a sheet of paper and hope you read it. I'm sorry that I wasn't the brother you needed. Maybe one day you'll realize just how much I loved you - and that I never showed it because I was scared. Take care of the others for me, Raph. They'll need you to be strong._

 _To Donatello - the brains. The resident genius. The person I could talk to about anything. I am so, so grateful that you were by my side all those years. I'm so grateful that you were my second-in-command, the person I could bounce ideas off of. And even if I didn't always understand the things you said (when you used big, science-y words), I still enjoyed the time I spent with you in the lab. I even enjoyed the nights I had to drag you out of it by your mask tails. But when I'm gone...don't make Raph do the same thing. Try and get to bed on time. Alright? You'll need to rest that big brain of yours. Keep inventing, little brother. Keep building and working. Because one day, you'll take the world by storm. I know you will._

 _Mikey...I honestly don't know how to start this part of the note. I know that my leaving will hurt you, but...it's better this way. Trust me. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should stick around and screw up their life. And I love you too much, Mikey. I love you way more than a person should ever be able to love. I couldn't have made it this long without your corny jokes, your sometimes-terrible meals, your ever-budding enthusiasm. You're the heart of the family. You keep us together._

 _Even more than that, you were my buddy. My sunshine. You were the light that guided me through the world. Don't let that light go out once I'm gone. Okay? Promise me. Keep that wildness going, that spark burning. And maybe one day, when I meet you again, you can shine that light onto me and warm me up._

 _I love you guys - all of you._ _Please don't blame yourself for my decision. I chose this course. I cut myself off from you. It's not your fault. None of it is. It's mine, because I didn't know how to reach out. I didn't know how to approach this. I didn't know how to tell you I was broken without feeling needy. I didn't know how to open up without feeling judged. I didn't know how to cry when my tears felt like a betrayal. I just needed you to see that I was hurting without me telling you. I needed you to see me, the **real** me, one last time._

 _And suddenly it was too late and my demons were screaming at me, and all the lives I'd cut short over the years came back to haunt me, and Death came to claim me as his own._

 _I gave up. And for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't the leader - the **brother** \- you needed me to be. I'm sorry that I couldn't make life better for you guys. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you wanted. Everything you deserve._

 _You deserve the world._

 _I love you guys so, so much. I'm sorry that I couldn't show it to you when I was here. I tried my best, I really did. I hope that maybe it was enough._

 _Until we meet again,_

 _Hamato Leonardo_


	12. A Living Nightmare, Part One

**A Living Nightmare, Part One**

Donnie's heart pounded and his breath came in half-gasps as he sped across the rooftops. _He's got to be out here._

Hundreds of terrifying scenarios presented themselves to the genius's mind. Almost all of them involved his oldest brother being captured by Shredder or lying dead, sprawled facedown in an alleyway. _Have to find him have to find him have to-_

The shrill, insistent ringing of his T-Phone snapped Donnie out of his panicked haze. "Donatello," he answered. Beside him, Raph and Mikey drew to a halt, bending over and trying to catch their breath.

 _"Donnie, I-I know where Leo went."_

"What?" Donnie asked, his eyes widening. "Where is he?"

 _"He's at the shipping dock. You have to hurry. Please."_

"Riley, what's going on?"

 _"I can't explain right now. Just get to the dock as fast as you can. I'll have the med bay prepped for you when you get back."_

"The med b- Riley, tell me what you found."

 _"I'll tell you everything. I promise. But first, get your brother. If I'm right, he's in real danger."_

The purple-banded turtle pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a long moment. Raph's voice drew his attention. "What'd she say?"

And then the urgency of Riley's message became fully aware to him. His gaze snapped up to meet his immediate older brother's. "We have to get to the dock. Now."

The closer the three turtles got to their destination, the more a bad feeling started to grow in Donnie's stomach. But he pushed himself to go faster despite the aching of his legs and the burning of his lungs. _Leo's in trouble._

Truth be told, he _still_ wasn't sure what Riley had found. But he'd never heard her that terrified before. And that scared him like nothing else.

It was almost dawn when they got to the docks. A greyish light was just beginning to fill the sky. Nothing seemed out of place around the old shipping containers and boardwalks. "Split up," Donnie ordered. "We have to find him and we'll cover more ground that way." Raph and Mikey nodded, disappearing into the shadows.

For his part, Donnie headed for the main pier. If he knew anything about his oldest sibling, it was that his real self was as wild and untamed as the ocean (despite what he wanted everyone else to believe) - and near the ocean was where the genius would find him.

He hadn't gone but fifty feet onto the pier when his keen eyes caught sight of something glimmering on the rocks and sand below. A gasp escaped his lips. It was one of Leo's katana.

He whipped out his phone and dialed the others. "I found something."

 _"Him?"_

"No...but I think I'm close. Main pier. Hurry."

Donnie jumped down onto the sand, ignoring the way his stomach soared into his throat at the thirty-foot drop. He picked the katana up, noticing that there was something staining the edge of the blade. In the dim light the color was hard to make out but he'd know that smell anywhere. Tangy and metallic.

Blood.

 _I have to find him. Right now._

He didn't have to look long, as it turned out. A couple hundred yards down the beach was the other katana, stuck in the sand at the base of a second pier. And up on the edge of the pier was Leo himself.

"Leo!" Donnie called out. The wind kicked up around him, whipping his mask tails into his face and snatching his voice away before his sibling could hear him.

Donnie cursed under his breath and started running towards the pier. It was tough to gain purchase on the slippery sand, and it took the genius far longer than he would've liked to reach the wooden structure. And the closer he got, the more he saw.

He saw the blood coursing down Leo's emerald green skin from his wrists. He saw the tears on Leo's salty, wind-chapped cheeks. He saw the remorse and anguish and _fear_ in Leo's eyes.

He saw the emptiness on Leo's face.

And then he _knew._

But the knowledge had come too late. Leo closed his cobalt eyes and let go of the railing, falling into the ocean.

 **A/N: Yeah, I had to do a cliffhanger. I'm sorry! *wails***

 **Please review.**


	13. A Living Nightmare, Part Two

**A Living Nightmare, Part Two**

 _Donnie cursed under his breath and started running towards the pier. It was tough to gain purchase on the slippery sand, and it took the genius far longer than he would've liked to reach the wooden structure. And the closer he got, the more he saw._

 _He saw the blood coursing down Leo's emerald green skin from his wrists. He saw the tears on Leo's salty, wind-chapped cheeks. He saw the remorse and anguish and fear in Leo's eyes._

 _He saw the emptiness on Leo's face._

 _And then he **knew**._

 _But the knowledge had come too late. Leo closed his cobalt eyes and let go of the railing, falling into the ocean._

"No!" Donnie screamed, watching helplessly as his brother was swallowed up by the waves. And then a strong, lean form dove off the pier after the leader. A flash of red was all that was visible before the ocean closed over Raph too.

For several heart-stopping moments Donnie stared at that ocean. He stared until his eyes watered. Then he blinked away the tears and stared some more.

And finally, _finally_ Raph surfaced, dragging an unconscious Leonardo with him to shore. Donnie helped his brothers to safety, and the resident hothead sagged onto the ground, panting. Leo wasn't moving.

His heart in his throat, Donnie started doing CPR, trying frantically to wake his brother. "Come on, Leo. Come on."

Minutes passed will no success. Tears gathered in the genius's eyes. _Not now. Not today. Please._ But despite his best efforts, his oldest brother remained still and silent. "He's...he's gone," Donnie whispered, looking up at Raph.

Raph, whose face was a pale mask of anger and grief. Raph, whose eyes snapped with fire. "Not like this," the hothead snarled, shoving Donnie out of the way. He let loose a roar of anger, slamming his fist down hard on Leo's plastron.

And by some miracle, the blue-clad turtle coughed up water. Donnie yelped. "Get him onto his side or he'll drown again!"

Raph did as he was asked, rolling his brother onto his side. Then the stocky ninja collapsed onto the sand and ran a hand over his face. "I can't do this again, Donnie. I can't lose him again."

"We have to get him back to the Lair somehow. But I can't carry him all the way home and neither can you...what are we gonna-"

"Hey, guys! I've got the Shellraiser!"

As Mikey appeared on the pier above them, Donnie wanted to melt in relief. He looked at Raph - who merely shrugged. "Sent him home to get it," Raph explained.

The resident genius picked Leo up, slinging one of the unconscious leader's arms across his shoulders. "Let's go home."

* * *

Several times during the ride back to the Lair, Leo's heart stopped again and Donnie had to restart it. He also bound up his brother's wrists as best he could. As soon as they arrived it was an anxious, constant battle to keep Leo alive and breathing. Donnie hooked him up with an IV, a heart monitor, and breathing apparatus.

And the entire time the genius worked, he wanted to scream. _Why? Why would you do this, Leo?_

To them. To Sensei. To himself.

Mikey came over at one point and handed Donnie a travel mug full of his favorite caffeinated brew. "Figured you might need it," the youngest explained quietly. His baby-blue eyes were filled with sadness, his expression troubled as he gazed down at his oldest brother. "He must've been in a pretty dark place...I just don't understand...how come we never noticed, Donnie?"

But for the first time in his entire life, Donnie had no answer.

 **A/N: Still got a bit more to go, guys. I was thinking I'd do a sequel...what do you think?**

Donnie: I think they're thinking what you think they're thinking.  
Raph: Well if they're thinking what I'm thinking, then I'm thinking we shouldn't just be thinking.

 **Ugh. Too much thinking. Sorry. XD**

 **Please review (and let me know about that sequel!).**


	14. Elegy

**Elegy**

 _"No!"_

 _"I can't do this again, Donnie. I can't lose him again."_

 _"I just don't understand...how come we never noticed?"_

Blue eyes fluttered open and the room slowly came into focus. He took in the machinery surrounding himself, the IVs hooked into his bandaged wrists, and the oxygen mask covering his mouth.

And Hamato Leonardo started to cry.

He reached up and pulled the mask off of his face. It hurt to move. It hurt to breath. It hurt to _live._ "I don't want to be here anymore," he whispered. "Why couldn't they just let me go?"

"Leo?"

The voice, so thin and unsure, made Leo's gaze snap to the doorway. And there stood Mikey. The youngest turtle's eyes filled with tears as he rushed over and threw his arms around the leader's neck.

"We thought you were gonna die, bro!" Mikey whimpered, burying his face in Leo's shoulder. "Why would you try and...and..."

In that moment, despite how much it killed him inside, Leo buried his own desires and needs and turned his attention fully on his brother. It was _his_ fault Mikey was crying right now. _He_ was the reason they were where they were.

Footsteps pounded on the floor outside of the lab, coming closer and closer. Donnie and Raph burst into the room - and both of them froze when they saw that Leo was awake.

The blue-clad turtle swallowed. "H-Hey, guys."

Raph's eye twitched and a mask of cold anger slammed down over his face. "'Hey, guys'?" he repeated incredulously. "You put us through all that and all you have to say is _'hey, guys'?!"_

"Raph-"

"Dammit Leo! Do you realize how _worried_ we were?! You tried to _kill yourself!_ Why would you _do_ that?!"

"Raph, I-"

The stocky turtle shook his head, his fists trembling by his sides. "What would we have done if you'd succeeded? Did you even think about that? Did you think about what it would mean for us? For Riley? For Master Splinter? Huh? Did you? Or are you just so selfish that it never crossed your mind?"

And for the first time in years, Leo felt something other than numb. He felt angry.

"Oh, yes," the eldest snapped. "I'm so selfish that I wanted to do something for myself for _once in my goddamn life!_ Excuse the hell out of me if I wanted to take a break from being leader. Excuse me if I was tired of handling the burden of always protecting you guys! Excuse me if I couldn't take the _pressure_ anymore of worrying _every single day_ about whether or not we'd all be alive the next morning!"

Donnie's eyes went wide and Mikey sat up. Both of them stared at Leo as if he'd grown a second head. "L-Leo," Donnie whispered. "Is that how you really-"

"Yes, Donnie! That is how I really felt! But you know what? I never told anyone because that wasn't my job! It wasn't my job to complain! It was my job to bear the weight and responsibility of protecting you three! It was my job to make sure you were safe and happy and well! It was my job-"

"And what do you think our job is?"

At Raph's voice, Leo turned to face him. He was surprised to see the pain flash across the hothead's face. "What?"

"You save our lives over and over. You sacrifice everything for us. Don't you think we'd do the same for you?" Raph wiped at his cheeks angrily. "You're our big brother. There is _nothing_ that we wouldn't do for you."

"No!" the leader yelled. "You don't _get it,_ Raph! You're not _supposed_ to do the same for me! If I was doing my job like I was supposed to, like I was raised to, you wouldn't even have to worry about me! All I'm here for is to make sure you guys are safe. Anything beyond that doesn't matter."

"Are you even _listening_ to yourself right now?!"

Leo took a breath, screwing his eyes shut. "A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his job is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say 'we did it ourselves.' _That_ is my purpose, Raphael. _That_ is why I'm here! Not to complain about my own petty problems-"

"What makes you think your problems are any less important than anyone else's, huh? You got just as much right to be here as we do, Leo! Why can't you understand that?"

The blue-banded turtle sighed and his head fell back onto the pillow. "You don't understand."

"Then tell us," Donnie suggested quietly. "Help us understand, Leo. We want to help you."

"No, you don't."

"Come on, Leo. Tell us. We can-"

"Fine! You really want to know what's going on in my head? Fine. I'm messed up. I can't _feel_ anything anymore! All I am is numb! Every thought I have is how worthless I am! I can't be what you guys want or need me to be and I can't do the one thing I was raised to do. You know how I put myself to sleep every night? By counting the number of times I failed you. I don't _deserve_ life, Donnie! I hate myself! I hate what I am! I hate my failures and my scars and everything about myself! I'm a monster and a freak and a failure and I-I-" Leo's voice cracked and he took another shaky breath, burying his face in his hands and screaming in frustration. "I'm not supposed to _feel_ this way! I'm not supposed to be complaining to you guys! I'm supposed to be the one who listens to you when you need it, the one who-"

"The one who drives himself crazy because he ignores his own needs in favor of others?" Mikey asked, touching his brother's shoulder. "Leo, we never wanted that for you. We never expected it of you. You're our brother. You're as much a part of this family as Raph or Donnie or me. You matter just as much as the rest of us."

"Mikey, I...I can't do this anymore. It just hurts so much. Make it stop. Please, make it stop!"

And all they could do was watch as their unbreakable Fearless Leader finally broke apart.

 **So I think I'm gonna wrap up the book guys. But stick around, because I'm going to be posting a note that has some very important information regarding the sequel. ;)**

 **Please review.**


	15. The End

**Author's Note**

We've once again reached that point in a book where I do my various thank-you's and such. And do you know what that means?

 _I've finished another one of the books I started, guys._

This is monumental for me. Why? Because for a long (very long) time, I was just starting books and never really finishing them. And now, because of your support in all aspects of my writing, I've completed at least two books this year.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. It really does mean incredibly much to me - and I can't thank you all enough.

This book...I didn't know how far I'd get with it. I wasn't sure where it would go, either. I didn't have a plan ahead of time. The journal entry topics weren't written down somewhere in a list before I wrote them. This book directed me, in a way. So for me to finish the story, for me to be typing this note out right now...it's a major milestone for me as a writer. And I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Now for the big news I promised.

There _will_ be a sequel. I'm not quite sure exactly how it'll play out yet. I might explore some of Riley's background (I know a lot of people were probably confused as to how the turtles knew her haha). I _do_ know that there'll be a lot of stuff that the guys have to work through together...it's probably gonna get a lot worse before it gets better, to be honest. The title of the book is "The Leader's Legacy." So...yeah.

I'll post an update in this book to let you know when the first chapter/prologue is up. ;)

Thank you all for sticking around and reading "The Leader's Memory." Thank you for all of the follows, reviews, favorites, and most of all...for just being there for me. I hope I can make you guys proud.

Until next time...

TMNT-Queen


	16. Announcement

**Announcement!**

Told ya I'd announce it. ;)

The first chapter of "The Leader's Legacy" is up, guys! Go check it out!

;)

* * *

Summary:

 _He tried to kill himself. He almost succeeded. Now, his brothers have to bring him back from the edge and try to convince him that life really is worth living. But maybe...maybe he doesn't want to be saved. Maybe this time, Hamato Leonardo has really, truly given up._


End file.
